$ man woman
No manual entry found for woman.
# unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; umount; sleep
A man is floating along in a hot air balloon when he realizes he is lost. So he brings the balloon near the ground and shouts to a man walking down the road “Hey you! Where am I?” The man walking down the road looks up at the man in the balloon, studies the situation then shouts back “You are hovering in a hot air balloon 40 feet off the ground”
The man in the balloon shouts backs “You must be an engineer.”
”Yes I am” The man on the street replies, “How did you know?”
“While everything you told me is technically correct, it is of absolutely no use to anyone.”
The man on the road shouts up “Oh…you must be in management.”
“How did you know?”
”Well, you don’t know where you are, you don’t know where your going, you’re just as lost as you were 5 minutes ago…but now it’s my fault.”
A mosquito once cried out in pain,
“A chemist has poisoned my brain!”
The cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyltrichloroethane.
There are two cats sitting on a sloping roof, “meow”, “meow”, “meow”, “meow”. Which one falls off first?
The one with the smallest mju!
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are jumping out of plane. The engineer jumps first, but his parachute doesn’t open. Thinking quickly, he makes a parachute out of some items in his pockets and lands safely on the ground. The physicist is up next and his parachute doesn’t open either. He runs through a couple of equations in his head and determines a way to create enough drag with his body to allow him to safely the land. As the engineer and the physicist meet on the ground, they see the mathematician’s parachute didn’t open either and he’s plummeting straight down. The mathematician hits the ground full force about one hundred yards away. The engineer and the physicist run over to mathematician as fast as they can and find him standing there perfectly unharmed. They both exclaim, “How the hell did you do that?” The mathematician replies “Induction.”
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were asked to review this mathematical problem. In a high school gym, all the girls in the class were lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Then, every ten seconds, they walked toward each other until they were half the previous distance apart. The mathematician, physicist, and engineer were asked, ” When will the girls and boys meet?” The mathematician said, ” Never.” The physicist said, ” In an infinite amount of time.” The engineer said, ” Well… in about two minutes, they’ll be close enough for all practical purposes.”
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny.
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, “Take what you want.”
The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”
C: You shoot yourself in the foot.
FORTRAN: You shoot yourself in each toe until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue with the attempts to shoot yourself anyway because you have no exception-handling capability.
370 JCL: You send your foot down to MIS and include a 400-page document explaining exactly how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
Assembler: You try to shoot yourself in the foot, only to discover you must first invent the gun, the bullet, the trigger, and your foot.