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First, as your new broadcaster, I’d best introduce myself. My name is Ari Wilson, and I’m joining the MORGAN team on a small stipend with little pay and benefits as a result of the latest budget crisis and Morgan’s incompetent meddling…
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Now, live from Chiron, in the Alpha Centauri system, I bring you “TO THE MINUTE”, a brief summary of recent events.
This week, a U.N. ceasefire was signed between the Human Hive and the Spartan Federation, bringing an end to the illegal child labor analysts that the Hive were using to compute the range, height, normal, tangential, velocity, and acceleration of their chaos weapons. One released child declared, “My God! I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain. And yet, I’ve never seen derivatives or integrals worse than that bloody mess they had us doing. We were worse than slaves to him; we were already dead.” Aside from assorted psychological issues associated with quoting old Earth movies, the children are in stable condition, a little worse for the wear. Their former boss, who refers to himself only as the mysterious “Mr. Knox”, refused to comment on the matter.
University of Planet translators continue their work on ancient dead Earth languages, bringing the Planetary Datalinks up to speed on the habits and customs of Old Earth. However, a specialized team focusing on something that seems to have been called “Spanish” is having difficult in automated translations. They ceased all contact this Thursday without warning; their final message was: “No hablo español”. Security teams have been dispatched to assist in the matter. All evidence points to extended exposure to mindworms.
On a more personal note to our Morganite viewers, our glorious leader recently exposed a psychological issue that had been lying behind our shared anxiety for a long time. It turns out, according to the latest in neuromachine research, that we have suffered too long from a fear of our own limitations. Our glorious research staff is now hard at work on a solution to this, which may or may not include a mysterious “asking a girl to homecoming”. Only time will tell.
In other headline news, it has recently been shown there are no magical knight’s tours on the chessboard. A gripping discovery, but yet, how useful? Alas, there seems to be no magical knights for our fair ladies. The struggle to prove it involved the exhaustion of all possibilities - making it one of the so-called “ugly” proofs. It was a small proof, but there were those loved it so. Our affiliate, MathWorld, has more.
Initial reports of casualties in continuing strife between Yesterday’s Empirical Philosophers (YEP) and the Rational Idealistic Philosophers (RIP) were substantiated today when one Stephan Wolfram claimed that the universe could be reduced to a relatively simple computer program involving cellular automatica. Boy, what an elementary issue! This sparked a bitter and hateful debate over the use of syllogisms in theoretical arguments, leading to the untimely drawing of large philosophical books. It seems that the fighting has been postponed while the philosophers “check their sources” (hololink: the concept of infinity). See Wolfram’s book, A New Kind of Science, for more on this hot button issue. And please don’t hit anyone over the head with it. It’s 1200 pages, for God’s sake.
Thank you for being here with us on “TO THE MINUTE”, we hope you tune in next week for another exciting episode of our program!
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